Wanting Touch Does Not Equal Wanting Sex

As humans, we all have a deep seated need for closeness and touch. The pandemic taught us this lesson clearly. As we emerge we are like bears coming out of hibernation. Looking for a mate. And probably with the same primal thoughts that a bear has after such a period of deprivation.

But quite frankly, animals can be assholes when it comes to relationships. Male turtles, even though smaller than their mates, jump on the females back and nip at their neck while holding them underwater. Bat bugs, known for being the sexual sadists of the bug world, stab their penises through the abdomen of the females rather than where we might consider putting ours. But, our brains are bigger, so lets do better than some one off rape scene.

But, we’ve always needed touch from birth to old age and the benefits of touch are vast — mental and physical health — to reduce cortisol, build connection, and even fight disease.

It also seems we often confuse the need for touch and intimacy with the need for sex. This, in turn, results in the strong desire to have sex with someone on the first date. That’s fine, if consensual, but not always ideal. Intimacy is deeper, a getting to know who the other person is — their fears, passions, dislikes — and like a puzzle, discovering how those fit with you. Sex is only a small part of the intimacy pie.